In Praise of Showing Up (even when we're messy)

... especially when we're messy

Hurricane Debby’s big rains, and my little house’s old plumbing teamed up last week to create quite the mess. It could have been worse, and I know I’m privileged, really privileged, to have a house, and to have plumbing. Still, it was stressy. And messy.

Photo by Oleksandr Brovko on Unsplash [Me, last week]]

Finally, by Friday, issues were being addressed. (And can I just say that a plumber who shows up with treats for the doggo will always be on speed dial. Or “favorites”. Whatever we call it now.)

So, Friday morning, I exhaled enough to remember to go to the gym, and I was excited about hurrying home to clean up and change and meet a friend for lunch.

It was a good plan. But…

But when I got home from the gym, the water was off. OFF off.

I had a quick staff meeting in the kitchen, where I reminded myself that this friendship was the “show up” type, and not dependent on the “clean up” type. If she had been at the gym, I would want her to show up even if she was messy. And I knew she’d welcome me, messy messy me.

I brushed my hair, put on a fresh top, and showed up. Kinda messy.

But, truth be told, most of us are kinda messy internally, most of the time.

Life is messy, and that’s where we live, and even after a shower and a curling iron, and fresh makeup, even when it all looks good – well, I’m messy. Maybe you are too? Sometimes?

Anyone who knows me knows that my interior life is mostly messy. And that’s not to say it’s bad or unhealthy or problematic. It’s simply messy: there’s a lot going on in this head and heart of mine. Maybe that’s true for you as well?

Let’s review: a pandemic, several devastating deaths, an insurrection attempt, various storms, a couple of serious “plumbing situations”, the utterly gutting loss of Tom, and all of this in the blender with fabulous kids and grands and friends and the “bestest boy” dog, and incredible neighbors, and exciting travel, and a bonus daughter’s wedding, and a thousand thousand other wonders – all whirled together. So, yeah. It’s messy all up in here.

And I don’t know about you, but I want to be the kind of friend, the kind of parent, the kind of person who shows up.

And I want the people in my life to show up too, and I hope they know they can show up messy. Because messy is real. Messy is open, and vulnerable, and honest. Messy, to quote one of my brilliant friends, means You choose to go joyfully just as you are! When we meet each other as we are, truths tumble out.

Yes. Yes, they do: truths tumble out, because when we love one another enough to show up messy, to trust the love, to trust the raw honest open space of life, we’re safe. Safe to listen to our own hearts, safe to speak our questions and fears, safe to love and be loved.

Maybe, like me, there are a few “less safe” people in your world? The ones you can’t open your heart to, or not completely anyway, because it just doesn’t feel safe. That’s what boundaries are for, and our intuitions tell our hearts to be careful. Please, please be careful with your heart. You get to be the boss of your own messy heart, you get to decide who has access.

Most people, though, at least most of the people I’ve known over lots of decades and in lots of different places – most people are trying their best. Just like you and me. And they’re messy, just like you and me. And they’re doing their best to show up, just like you and me. Thank goodness. I need these good people in this messy world, and I’ll bet you do too.

So, please, let’s cultivate the beautiful messy-positive, messy-forward, messy-loving connections. Let’s welcome and nurture the hearts that open to our own. Let’s show up, just like we are, and meet each other here, in the safe spaces, the sacred spaces where the truths tumble out.