Through the Lens of Adversity: the Illumination of Character

.... Sometimes the challenges come as a surprise. And the lessons arrive as gift.

* Please note: My personal “adversity” story is just that – a personal story of a challenging day. Adversity is relative, of course, and the day I describe here is a walk in the park, absolutely miniscule compared to what hundreds of thousands of people face every day. But these dynamics expand and scale, and they play out in families and neighborhoods, in institutions and corporations, and in government on every level.

Whether on a small scale or on a national or global stage, adversity does illuminate character. Leaders and would-be leaders, in particular, show us who they are, especially in times of adversity.

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You know those times when the thing you planned didn’t go quite the way you envisioned it?

Photo by Nadim Merrikh on Unsplash

How it started: A friend came to visit, and we decided to go kayaking. We’re both experienced kayakers and my friend actually taught ocean kayaking a few years ago.

It’s not like we didn’t know what we were doing. Except the part where we (I) didn’t know specifically know what we were doing.

We picked up kayaks and PFDs at an outfitter near the Harbor Island Bridge. The employee showed us a map, and sent us out to paddle a long loop, starting near the iconic shrimp boats at the Gay Fish Company. For a brief moment, I wondered if we’d be on a rising tide on our return, but I didn’t ask.

From the shrimp boats, we would paddle into the river, follow the shore for a few miles, and then cut in through little inlets and oyster beds, completing the loop where we began. We anticipated two hours on the water, give or take.

Two hours later, we discovered we couldn’t complete the route; the tide was so low that we couldn’t paddle the full loop. The only option was to backtrack.

We were hot, thirsty, and frustrated.

I was embarrassed that I’d gotten us into such a long hard day; after all, I was the local, the hostess, the one who was supposed to know the tides and the water.

My guest is one of those easy-to-be-with friends. But we’d never done this together. We’d done fun stuff, easy stuff, tasty stuff. We had not yet shared hard exhausting this-is-not-what-you-said-it-would-be stuff.

My friend had every right to be angry with me.

But there was no anger.

It was my fault. But there was no blaming. (Ok, it wasn’t solely my fault. Still, no blaming)

We didn’t have enough water. I hadn’t brought any food for us. My friend didn’t complain. Or scold. Not once.

We paddled and paddled. We saw dolphins, birds, boats with motors and people who waved.

We paddled on, hot and thirsty.

Two more hours passed.

I honestly didn’t know how long I could keep paddling. My strength training these last few months was clearly a good idea, but seriously, I’d found my threshold, and it hurt. We’d been on the water for four hours, and we still had a full two miles to go. I kinda wanted to cry, but not in front of my friend. I kept paddling, arms aching, thirsty and sunburnt.

And that’s when my strong, kind, wise, funny friend started telling jokes. And singing. And chanting old marching ditties. Even offering to tie our boats together and paddle for both of us. At one point he did a sort of cheerleader move, paddle waving, that cracked me up.

We kept going. And, well, obviously, we made it. It was miserable, and kind of scary. It wasn’t what we’d expected, or what we’d signed up for. It was hard. But we made it.

And here’s the thing: Because it was hard and uncomfortable and not what we wanted, we learned far more about ourselves and about each other and about our relationship than we’d have in a gentler experience.

We discovered we both know how to draw from deep reserves when we’re tired and frustrated, that we’re tougher than we look, that we’re not blamers.

The long, sweltering day stripped away politeness, revealing authenticity.

Challenges do that. Crises do that. Adversity does that.

It is our attitude toward events, not events themselves, which we can control. – Epictetus

As it turns out, I’m glad we had that rough day. Because now we know some really important things about one another. Now we each know something about the other’s character.

Observations on Character, especially in hard moments (which is, of course, when it matters most):

• Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Ask as many questions as you can.

• Kindness is more attractive than blame, and far more powerful.

• Empathy multiplies impact.

• Humor diffuses misery.

• The unexpected situation invites collaborative solutions.

• Some people will focus on the possibilities, some will fixate on the problem.

• Some people will see you and your reality; some will turn the focus on themselves.

• Some people will laugh with you; some will laugh at you.

• Some people will celebrate you; some will pop your balloon.

• Some people will make music; some will simply make noise.

• Some people will walk the hard journey with you; some will tell you how to do it on their own.

• Some people will listen and want to understand; some will tell you what to think and feel.

• Some people can make the hard thing fun; some simply tell you you’re doomed.

• Some people will want what’s best for you; some will want to “fix” you in their own image

• Some people make you a better person; some just make you tired.

* Pro tip: Be the kind of person you would want to have with you when the journey is hard.

Challenge, discomfort, fatigue, and uncertainty illuminate the character and nature of an individual or an organization far more clearly than ease or success ever can.

The struggle bus is real.

My favorite strength training expert at the gym has taught me that these same dynamics –challenge, discomfort, fatigue, uncertainty – are essential for building stronger muscles. When I don’t think I can lift my arms one more time, he smiles at me: And now, we’re getting on the struggle bus!

He loves the struggle bus. Because it makes us stronger.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~ Oprah Winfrey

I’m fortunate to have several people in my life who will get on the “struggle bus” with me. And I found another - on a long hot day, kayaking in the South Carolina lowcountry. I’m grateful for the challenges that revealed the gifts.

The most important thing I learned that day on the kayaks? Clarity. I learned that I want to be the kind of person I was with that day.

What about you? What have you learned about yourself, or about someone else, in moments of adversity?